Find Me

http://samtwice.tumblr.com/

Our speech left us
So quite we could hear the world spin
Times been hunting me lately consuming
Empty
Yet full of memories and I am floating trough
everything

We Had A Good Run...No Looking Back

If you loved me like you say you do when you ran away...you would have let me stay with you

Facebook Hiatus...

The people in my life tend to hold a lot of value to me but it seems such feelings are not being returned. Which has cause me from kind of hiding from social networks or at lease facebook. It may seem sort of childish of me to deactivate my account just to get away from less then a handful of people but its what I feel is needed at this moment in time. See certain people wouldn't give me or my life one thought if they didn't see me post a status or a pic and its not little acquaintance its people i thought I was really close to but maybe it comes with the growing out of people aspect of life. Anyhow I will eventually decide if I should keep or sever these relationships.

Perfect Timing

Words may never equate appreciation just as tears may never show an accurate account for pain. Life has its own way of doing things its own way of viewing dreams till everything is beautiful we cling to people loosing self it may be worth it.  Not always and some friendships cause more damage then hate when they only point out loneliness but remember life has its own way of doing things its own way of viewing dreams so in perfect timing life brought him in almost to cushion the blow from everyone fading slow and I am honored  to make his acquaintance learn his ways its like a brand new place  bringing back a comfort that old friends misplaced...

This I've been struggling and this =) helps

You are my sunshine...My only sunshine 

June-16

Who Knew the rose that grew from the concrete would blossom and plant so many seeds?


Its so many things time forgets to prepare you for so many unexpected ups and down but to have someone there to listen or even to feel like they understand what you're going though makes it easier. I will never be able to equate the exact effect this mans life had on mine but Lord knows i'm thankful for someone to be able to understand me and never met me.


 June 16, 1971-Forever

"A work of art is the unique result of a unique temperament." - Oscar Wilde 

Follow the leader

Lifeless whispers from long ago that never make a sound
Still i find myself stuck in the allusion proving everything and nothing at all
Falling deeper into this fantasy thats really taunting me with all that reach for but cant see
Why have I been so cursed...cursed with forgiveness and trust building pyramids out of lust
Ultimately in quicksand but I find I'm the only one sinking the only one patient and thinking
so am I alone or have I misread or maybe somewhere back there I was mislead

First Become...

For What Its Worth

I’m selfish, envy, relentless, cold

I’m embers burning melted gold formless mold me endless hold me?

But not too tight.

I’m careless worry, untold stories of retroactive time, lost memoirs of retrograde minds.

I’m broken patterns chosen to form something better Indomitable and cleaver.

Strong minded cause I know better.

I’m empty, pitiful, physical and hypercritical

Im aphoristically inclined look ahead and not behind told these things take time

But who has time?

So for what its worth

im pundit and hurt

lazy and work

 I’m lost and I’m gain

 I’m proud and ashamed

 done things that I hold blame.

So what is it worth really? If no one else hears me or see’s me remember I’m only you’re not watching TV. So I’m ungrateful and stingy fallacious when need be sexual and needy did I say sexual  I meant highly intellectual self-conscious and greedy.

So please don’t fault me.

As if I was looking for GOD...

Do not seek the because - in love there is no because, no reason, no explanation, no solutions.
Anais Nin

Anxiety is love's greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic.
Anais Nin

Love Them As Long As You Can

Live

The Theory Theory...

Learning 

Living 

Changing 

Giving 

Mistaken 

Soul

Breath Taking 

Mate

Someone else's

Losing 

I'm selfish 

Prideful 

LET GO....  

Just Me...

Falling in love to jump out of reality
Falling into reality to jump out of love
In a world where its just me...

Sitting on clouds never recognizing we've gotten so high
trying to go away without saying goodbye...
Hello was already so bitter sweet
trying to remind them its just me...

...to be continued

“God is love, I said, but art's the possibility of forms, and shadows are the source of identity.” 
― Ralph Ellison, Juneteenth

I am feeling some kind of way today bare with me...

“We look too much to museums. The sun coming up in the morning is enough.” 
― Ralph Ellison, Shadow and Act

Turtle Tattoo

Throughout the ages humans have bestowed turtles with special meaning. Ancient myths from different cultures describe the world as resting on the turtle’s back. Among Far Eastern cultures it was believed that the turtle’s back symbolized Heaven and that its underside represented Earth. For them the turtle signified the possibility of uniting Heaven and Earth within one’s own life.

Some cultures today still regard the turtle as a symbol of the primal mother and believe that it is connected to the lunar cycle. Others associate the turtle with longevity and wisdom. Incredibly, sea turtles have existed on earth longer than any other vertebrate animal — they were here when dinosaurs evolved and became extinct, and they survived the Ice Age.

The turtle has qualities that are congruent with the teachings and values of the Life Balance Institute. The turtle naturally withdraws and goes within when in turmoil. It does not need to learn the importance of this focusing inward, it naturally knows.

The turtle’s whole life is one of steadfastness, effort, and patience. It lives a slow and steady life of “non-doing.” There is a saying, “Home is where the heart is” — the turtle is always at home within itself.

This is why I will be getting a turtle tattoo as a reminder slow and steady wins the race =)

Bad Bitch

I do not care how positive black media is trying to make being a bitch. It has never and will never be acceptable for me personally. The way I look at it is some men are so consumed with having a "Bad Bitch" but they somehow are surprised when things go bad. You want a "Bad Bitch"  don't be surprised when she bites 

Apology of a young mother with love on her doorstep

I heard you lover saying all the things I dreamed of hearing saying all my tears turned in to a stream that formed a river for you to sail to me  thanking God for my tears cause they helped you see through infernos showing you that it's me you shouldn't let go.
 I hear you baby maybe it's my mind but I fear you baby not like a  monster but like a promise I can't keep to be honest it's just me
I can't help it I need all of me to give to my daughter and yes I'm selfish see I've tried fairy tales and they all failed.
Its difficult to think of intertwining our lives I'm the mother of someone else's child do you want that in a wife?  You should share your first with someone who deserves you someone who could serve you unconditionally someone whose going through there first too. 
See I've made my bed and I will lay in it take every chances I can to play in it. I apologize for being average I apologize but I will not allow you to carry my baggage.
I made these choices  and there's no other way I'll have it.

Butterfly Parenting

Focusing on the fact that a man and my self created a child that we can no longer raise together may be one of the most harmful things to do. It steals a certain power from you as an individual. I personally believe there is no such way to forsee how someone will behave as a parent you can know them for years, speak with them, watch them interact with other children but that's not the same as having your OWN CHILD. So the baby daddy/baby mama aspect comes in to play  (I am sorry if anyone finds this offensive but if those were the titles you aimed for you may need to sit down with yourself and find the disconnect in your heart that makes you feel like you aren't worth more) but the anger that tends to sprout from being seen as just someone who made a child with someone else can be over whelming. At times I believe this type of situation birthed the phrase "Nigga you aint shit" it becomes so hard to deal with when maybe one side is trying and the other is still so shook up about the demise of the relationship they cant fathom things being alright. Though its much worst when both side are engulfed in such anger every word is loaded with malice and hatred. Please don't get me wrong there are the few that part off of pure understanding that they no longer work together and its peaceful for the most part. What do you do if you"re not one of the lucky ones? Then What?
Your Child...see nothing can make you any less mom or dad to that child and at the end of the day who you are when you're alone with that child is what they often tend to remember they tend to hold on to it. See you can become a victim of baby mama/daddy syndrome if you feed all of you energy in to the anger or hatred or any lost emotions you maybe still harboring for your ex partner. Or you can simply be Mother/Father and love the new life you brought into the world and focus on that. See I look at it as relationships are like butterfly's  your lover can be your food your going to always need food to grow stay strong and live or your lover could have simply been your cocoon there to help you grow and get your wings and butterfly's never morn the lost of there cocoons it was just a phase in the journey. So maybe your lover was just a phase in your journey now you have your wings (your child)....so don't let anyone clip your wings 

I told him he made me free in my purest form and he's my shelter through the ill-est storm...  BELIEVE THAT

Just me

None of it MATTERS as long as one day you wake up & LOVE WHO YOU'VE BECOME <3

Mistaken Friendship

Misplaced emotions lost in him while laying on the Ocean floor.
Door ways to hidden feelings, feeling close to hopeless.
Yes I love you no I dont want to  no I dont want to still I want you
Friendly flirting hiding jealousy mistaken friendship for more then...

Naked

To stand in front of love
Wearing what I wore
When I...
When I... 
Entered this world
Speaking what I learned from this world
Oh the beauty of being naked and not ashamed

A Rose By Any Other Name...

Tears from a long time ago

I saw you yesterday where? i don't really know it was somewhere between my new and old home somewhere between broken and perfect but I saw you. As your eyes envy me  lovingly forcing me to revert to losing my self esteem instead of my selfishness i just watched your eyes go right through me making me wonder if you ever knew me?

I feel like I just be drifting in the water....

Scarcely Lovers

The sky and the ocean never get to touch but you can see the love ripples. As the moons light reflects off the water hopelessly in envy cause he’s so far up there and she can only project empty memories hoping one day she’ll soak him in. Space ships couldn’t help it and boats couldn’t sail him to her so far away but so close which makes it worst and they would be perfect if both worlds collide though that wouldn’t come with a promise that no one would die so they stay apart with heart that hold each other while stars linger around him and fish swim in her tides they remember they are scarcely lovers …

Nice Things

It's not the wanting of nice things that bothers me who doesn't want nice things? Its the nice things being all that matter to a person that bothers me I am more of a lover of the simple things simple beauty mostly things man could not make.Living above your means or stressing your self out over things you cant afford is not my style or fantasizing or romanticizing objects makes me uncomfortable. I believe in striving for more and if you worked for it and you aren't putting your self in a position where you can't handle what needs to be taken care of by all means splurge. All im saying is if there's more important things to take care of handle it and then worry about the artificial aspects of life

Leanna Zaire Harmony =)

My child =)

I've been mommy for almost 8 months time fly's

Halos

God told me angels have no Halos they don’t stand out 

They breath air deep breaths because they know what its like to have none left

God told me angel have no halos they don’t stand out 

They move slow in their anger speak kindly to strangers because they know what its like to be strange

(so I asked him about pain)

God told me angels have no halos they don’t stand out

They sometimes fake smiles but not to be fictional just to give a glimpses of hope that other wise you may never know

 (but what about pain?)

God told me angels have no halos they don’t stand out 

They think before opening their allowing God to reign proud and light to shine through 

(I need to know about pain) 

God told me angels have halos they don’t stand out 

they feel rain, wind, shame and left out so what is pain really? God told me angels don't feel pain they consume it they don't stay in palaces they go to the ruins to rebuild students of life 

God told me angels have no halos they don't stand out its the unseen that matters most but slightly cared about

Thin Line (Fact&Fiction)

Doors make reality seem a bit less real, except for realist who run from feelings because fact is feelings don't exist .There are just a working in your mind to freeze you temporally in time like photographs, but photographs won't stop the time that must pass like bodies decaying to fertilize the grass no one remembers but they embrace.See cause even in a puddle of water you can catch a glimpse of your face misplaced or misguided the past isn't for rewriting or hiding.Feelings from run who realist for except, real less bit a seem reality make doors...
Reality makes doors with imaginary keys and hearts make homes with imaginary lease so whats real? And children fight wars with imaginary beast so whose killed? Imagination trumped by fiction which turns to lies for infinite wisdom which no one holds so what's the difference?

Titles...The unwed Mother

Titles have been on my mind a lot lately maybe because as you get older who you want to be and who you are going to be aren't always the same thing. See I have always wanted to be wife & mother but who am I?  I am mother & lover I use the term lover simply to say that I still love the idea the concept that one day (most likely in the far off future) I to will find the illusive "HE". As of right now its me being mom which in many of the eyes if those on the outside looking in its me being "baby mama" I no longer care honestly because I know when this little girl looks at me she's not thinking "oh what a shame another unwed young mother" or "that's such and such baby mama". No she's thinking that's my mom or i need my diaper changed lol the idea of finding your "soulmate" being married having kids and living happily ever after is a beautiful one but it is not the only idea.Was it something I wanted sure it was I don't think anyone sets out to be baby mama but even if they do thats their happiness not anyone elses. I keep seeing we need more weddings the baby showers sure maybe we do but then again all you might be doing is raising the divorce rates.I just have a difficult time processing the judgement placed on the unwed parent so you're saying because we fell out of love before we got married and produced a kid we're horrible people? or we would be more respectable if we would have gotten married had a child and then fell out of love and got a divorce? oh I get it now...I'm not knocking marriage cause it's a beautiful thing but so it child barring even if it not the "convectional" way that's all I am saying because as sad as it sounds a baby doesn't mean the love is forever but honestly neither does marriage. 

One Way Train…

At 2am it began to rain so I packed my bags full of all my shame

They said there’s a new lease on life so I signed my name blurred

Eyes with enlarged veins yeah I packed my bags full of all my shame

Went to that station holding all my rage wrote down my fears then

Threw away the page got back that key to what was once my cage nose

Running wet remembering that phase so I left that station leaving all my rage

Got my ticket that read for the unseen misfits who never did shit closed my eyelids

So my ears could listen got the classifieds saw my soul was listed like I’d been enlisted

Not to make a difference just to be there vision looked up at the sky to plead for

Forgiveness for admittance for remembrance of who I am Who I could have been

Then the train stopped… 

Hello

Sun's absence

Days with warm nights I wonder if the sun refuses to shine would the thunder  scare you baby? Don't be deceived lifes still as sweet as autum rain and God will always hold you I will never be to far im your permanent shoulder. If the sun refuses to shine dont let it steal your laughter remember the rain bow comes after...

To be me...

There has been many choices placed at my feet some I knew I would kick right away other not so sure. There have been other choices I only chose to please the rebel in me. Although lately my choices have all been more like forced. I'm not use to being forced...

I have not been on in such along time

So lets play catch up shall we?

I had my daughter Sept 16 2011 at 6:00pm which was the most amazing experience ever she's 4 months at the moment =) Getting big so very fast I love her so so very much let me try to explain it. Its like the moment you see the sunrise in the morning that promise of a new day never before seen. Or when the moon comes out at night and you know all the days problems are over rest is there. Maybe its more like when you get excited for something to happen and you build up anticipation only for all your dreams to come true times two. Its hard to describe but i love her